Seven Things You and Facebook Don’t Know About Me

categories: Cocktail Hour / Don't Talk About Politics


I was given the number 7, so here we go, seven things you don’t know about me:

  1. I smoke crack with a blow torch.
  2. I dated Maine governor Paul LePage when he was still mayor of Waterville.  He is actually very funny and cried a lot in the night because of his plans to ruin our state, but he couldn’t help it, it’s a condition.  62% of our friends hated him.  38% were hiding in bomb shelters of their own design, pretty cool, all kinds of surplus stuff they got at Marden’s, like canned figs.
  3. Okay, back in 1971, I killed and ate my college roommate’s pet finch one late night because a) it insulted me, and b) I was starving.  In the morning the finch was still there, but my roommate was missing.
  4. I am taller than many women, and shorter than many women as well.  True story.
  5. I know that this whole FB numbers thing is just a way to target ads at me.  I just got one—I mean it, right this minute—for crack blowtorches and finch napkins.  Whatever happened to privacy?
  6. I once drove to Canada by accident: hangover.  I thought the border station was a toll booth and threw a quarter at the guy.  Mon fucking dieu they are touchy up there!
  7. It’s your friend Bill.  I in Amsterdam and got mugged.  I just needing a little money to get a plane ticket and get safety out of here.  Imagine my distress.  Just $1000 or whatever you can spare, please, please.  I begging of you.  Send to my Nigerian address, beloved.

  1. Joseph Longcore writes:

    Blow torch huh? Keep the extinguisher handy! My ex once torched her own hair trying to light her pot pipe. Never thought I’d have to extinguish a human being!

    I hear finches taste like chicken. Is that true?

  2. dave writes:

    I hate when finches taunt me.

  3. Tommy writes:

    Don’t feel so bad, I just got one for finch napkins and place mats, too – all your Facebook friends did. Number four surprises me. I always thought you were tall for your height.

  4. Dinty W. Moore writes:
  5. katherine fritz writes:

    i love this so very much.