categories: Cocktail Hour / Don't Talk About Politics
I was given the number 7, so here we go, seven things you don’t know about me:
- I smoke crack with a blow torch.
- I dated Maine governor Paul LePage when he was still mayor of Waterville. He is actually very funny and cried a lot in the night because of his plans to ruin our state, but he couldn’t help it, it’s a condition. 62% of our friends hated him. 38% were hiding in bomb shelters of their own design, pretty cool, all kinds of surplus stuff they got at Marden’s, like canned figs.
- Okay, back in 1971, I killed and ate my college roommate’s pet finch one late night because a) it insulted me, and b) I was starving. In the morning the finch was still there, but my roommate was missing.
- I am taller than many women, and shorter than many women as well. True story.
- I know that this whole FB numbers thing is just a way to target ads at me. I just got one—I mean it, right this minute—for crack blowtorches and finch napkins. Whatever happened to privacy?
- I once drove to Canada by accident: hangover. I thought the border station was a toll booth and threw a quarter at the guy. Mon fucking dieu they are touchy up there!
- It’s your friend Bill. I in Amsterdam and got mugged. I just needing a little money to get a plane ticket and get safety out of here. Imagine my distress. Just $1000 or whatever you can spare, please, please. I begging of you. Send to my Nigerian address, beloved.