Seven Things You and Facebook Don’t Know About Me

categories: Cocktail Hour / Don't Talk About Politics

6 comments

I was given the number 7, so here we go, seven things you don’t know about me:

1. I smoke crack with a blow torch.
2. I dated Maine governor Paul LePage when he was still mayor of Waterville.  He is actually very funny and cried a lot in the night because of his plans to ruin our state, but he couldn’t help it, it’s a condition.  62% of our friends hated him.  38% were hiding in bomb shelters of their own design, pretty cool, all kinds of surplus stuff they got at Marden’s, like canned figs.
3. Okay, back in 1971, I killed and ate my college roommate’s pet finch one late night because a) it insulted me, and b) I was starving.  In the morning the finch was still there, but my roommate was missing.
4. I am taller than many women, and shorter than many women as well.  True story.
5. I know that this whole FB numbers thing is just a way to target ads at me.  I just got one—I mean it, right this minute—for crack blowtorches and finch napkins.  Whatever happened to privacy?
6. I once drove to Canada by accident: hangover.  I thought the border station was a toll booth and threw a quarter at the guy.  Mon fucking dieu they are touchy up there!
7. It’s your friend Bill.  I in Amsterdam and got mugged.  I just needing a little money to get a plane ticket and get safety out of here.  Imagine my distress.  Just $1000 or whatever you can spare, please, please.  I begging of you.  Send to my Nigerian address, beloved.